Words of Discomfort
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say??" asked the nurse. "'Oops!'"
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say??" asked the nurse. "'Oops!'"
Water in the Glass
A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say
a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would
people of different professions and walks of life say?
The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.
The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.
The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.
The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"
The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.
The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.
The Writer
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?" In a matter-of-fact manner, the guide simply replied, "A check."
The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.
The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.
The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.
The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"
The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.
The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.
The Writer
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?" In a matter-of-fact manner, the guide simply replied, "A check."
Perks
Some of us forgot that we are getting perks for reaching 50
or being over 60 or are already 70 or more!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
3. No one expects you to run ... anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who
walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment
in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
National Weather Service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Water in the Carburetor
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
Great news!
After a fender-bender, the
teenaged driver pointed to the damage and said: "Great news, Dad--you
haven't been pouring those insurance payments down the drain after all!"
Today’s Thought
Politicians should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we
could identify their sponsors.
No comments:
Post a Comment