Friday's Funnies

The Inspector

A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the collector asked the owner of the tannery. "Business has been very bad," answered the tanner. "Do you mind if I check around the place?" asked the tax man. "Go ahead," invited the owner. "You'll see I have nothing to hide."

 

Fish defined

 

An aquatic creature that grows rapidly between the time it spits a hook and the time the angler describes it to his friends.

Dilbert's Laws of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.
2. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
3. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
4. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
5. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
6. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
7. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
8. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
9. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
10. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
11. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

 

Lost And Found

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth! The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

 

Just A Suggestion

A preacher stood up before his congregation and said, "I have so much to say, I don't know where to begin." Someone in the pew shouted, "How about somewhere close to the end."

 

Surgery recovery

 

A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. "I hurt," the man said. "You don't know how it feels."  "I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations." "Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon."

 

Church

 

As long as there have been farmers, there has been the dilemma of whether to be in church on Sunday or to make hay while the sun shines.  Like the farmer who spent Sunday morning trying to get hay in ahead of the rain. As he came down the road with a full load, he met the preacher, who looked at him reproachfully.  "Reverend," the farmer explained, "It's better to be sitting on this hay thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about hay."

 

Travel

 

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

 

The Haircut

 

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.  One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.  When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.  Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept  money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.  Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

Signs

 

The other day I read a sign in the men's room: "Employees Must Wash Hands"; so I waited an hour but nobody came. I finally had to leave without an employee washing my hands.

 

Flat Tire

 

A guy discovered that he had a flat tire and pulled to the curb. He realized that he had stopped in front of the local mental health sanitarium when a patient ambled up to the fence and began teasing him.  He ignored the patient's catcalls and insults while he carefully took each lug nut off and placed it in the hubcap as he removed the tire. While trying to install the spare, he inadvertently knocked the hubcap, which spilled the lugs and all five nuts fell into the nearby storm sewer, falling beyond his reach.  The patient howled with laughter as the guy, at the end of his patience, began to vent about being stuck there until a tow truck could arrive. The patient told him, "I can help you."  The guy glared at him and said, "Sure you can."  The patient said, "No, really, I can help."  The guy reluctantly asked how. The deranged patient then said, "Take one nut off of the other three tires and put the spare on with three lugs. Then you can safely drive to a garage for the other nuts and get your tire fixed."  The guy thanked him and asked, "How did a guy like you ever think that one up?"  To which the asylum patient replied, "Well, I'm just crazy, not stupid!"

 

Today’s Thought

 

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.