Diet Advice
Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthful. You're welcome.
Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthful. You're welcome.
Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon
- There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a
cooler.
- The pews have camper hookups.
- You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a
few (dozen!) extra CDs on hand to record today's sermon.
- The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
- The preacher breaks for an intermission.
- The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
- When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his
notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
- The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
- Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the
pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
- The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch
the Super Bowl." But it's only September!
Manners
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded by her mother, "that's not polite behavior." With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"
Kindred Spirits
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too."
Dilbert's Laws of Work
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded by her mother, "that's not polite behavior." With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"
Kindred Spirits
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too."
Dilbert's Laws of Work
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
Ancient History
Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognized the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I used to go out with him!" Peering up from his work, another wide-eyed student asked, "You dated someone from our history book!?"
X-Ray Vision
As an X-ray tech walked down the aisle to exchange marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, "I wonder what she saw in him?"
Hmmmm...
How come all the scientific instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognized the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I used to go out with him!" Peering up from his work, another wide-eyed student asked, "You dated someone from our history book!?"
X-Ray Vision
As an X-ray tech walked down the aisle to exchange marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, "I wonder what she saw in him?"
Hmmmm...
How come all the scientific instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
Groaner: Leopard
Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.
John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?
Ed: We spotted a leopard.
John: Don't be silly. They're born that way!
Trouble sleeping
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the
doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They
bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the
doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and
your trouble will be over." "Great,"
the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking
worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than
before!" "I don't understand
how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the
strongest pills on the market!" "That
may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night
chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to
swallow the pill!”
Today’s Thought
The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to
write that down, I'll remember it."
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