Friday's Funnies

True Love

 

 A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

 

 Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

 Sergeant: What is her height?

 Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

 Sergeant: Weight?

 Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

 Sergeant: Color of eyes?

 Husband: Never noticed.

 Sergeant: Color of hair?

 Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

 Sergeant: What was she wearing?

 Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

 Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

 Husband: She went in my truck.

 Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

 Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.  At this point the husband started choking up.

 

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

 

Service?

During a shopping trip to a department store, I was looking around for a salesperson so I could pay for my purchase. Finally I ran into a woman wearing the store's ID tag. "Excuse me," I said. I'm trying to locate a cashier." "I can't help you," she briskly replied, barely slowing down, "I work in customer service." And she walked away.

No Mail

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. One lineman told me that when he called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope.

The Rebuttal

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial. "Your honor, my client was not at fault. She has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more." Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff arose. "Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…"

Priestly Rounds

A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurse's station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."

Homework Policy

 

Here is an explanation of our school's homework policy:  Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

 

~ 15 minutes looking for assignment.

~ 11 minutes texting a friend about the assignment.

~ 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

~ 8 minutes in the bathroom.

~ 10 minutes getting a snack.

~ 7 minutes checking what's on TV.

~ 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

~ 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

 

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I'm always repeating things."  "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".  Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"  She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

 

Satisfaction Guaranteed

 

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."  The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

Today’s Thought

 

Men have feelings, too. For example, we feel hungry.