New Profit Center
A savvy mom decided to stop worrying about her teenager's
driving and take advantage of it. She got a bumper sticker for his car that
said "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a
call, she's been making $38 a week.
Modern Art
Two teenagers were on a tour of a modern art gallery. They
suddenly found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture and were staring
at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes. One of them exclaimed, "We had better
get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place!"
Odds & Ends
• Last year I joined
a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
• I don't trip over
things, I do random gravity checks!
• Old age is coming
at a really bad time!
• When I was a child
I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a
small vacation!
• The biggest lie I
tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
• I don't have gray
hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
• I smile because you
are my sister-in-law and laugh because you married my brother!
• If God wanted me to
touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
• The kids text me
"plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which
is shorter than "yes."
• I've lost my mind
and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
• Even duct tape
can't fix stupid — but it can muffle the sound!
• Why do I have to
press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't
understand anyway?
• Lord, Give me
patience and give it to me NOW!
• Of course I talk to
myself — sometimes I need expert advice.
Poor Choice of Words
Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is. "Well," said Dewey, "I ran
afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at
home." "What kind of question?"
asked Steve. "My wife asked me if I
would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly." "That's easy," said Steve.
"You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Dewey, "that's what I meant to say, except I
said, 'Of course I DO...'"
These are actual comments made by police officers:
~ "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
~ "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
~ "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
~ "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
~ "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet
that'll be chasing you."
~ "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you *another* ticket."
~ "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
~ "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."
~ "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Baby Wrap
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new
parents how to care for their infants. As
I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me
and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "That is a
good analogy." "I don't know
how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my
baby like a burrito?"
A Great Cup of Tea
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful,
but it makes your life more complicated?
I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good
nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea. "You're such a sweetheart," the
mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes," the little girl replied.
"I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then
I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the
flyswatter." "You what?" And the little girl said, "Oh, don't
worry, Mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
Today’s Thought
How come all the instruments seeking intelligent life in the
universe are pointed away from Earth?
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