Friday's Funnies - Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine's Day.  "Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag," replied Tony.  That was very kind of you," Johnny added, "I hope she appreciated the thought."  Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

 

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

 

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

 

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

 

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."

 

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

 

Lost and Found

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared. The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???" The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?" Wife, with a smile, blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love." "Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."

Falling In Love

What happens when you fall in love with:

• A chef?  He spices up your life.
• A chauffeur?  In his eyes, you take a back seat to no one.
• A telephone operator?  He reaches out, touches your heart, and you always have a special connection.
• A clockmaker?  He always makes time for you.
• A pastry cook?  He spends all his dough on you.
• A shoe salesman?  Your sole is lifted up.
• A jogger?  He's there for you when you're run down.

Lame Excuses Why Men Forget a Gift on Valentine's Day

• The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?
• I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.
• The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best.
• I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!
• I left a voice message to meet me for dinner. Where were you?
• I didn't know you liked jewelry.
• I thought we would do something different this year.
• You didn't remind me.

What NOT To Give Her For Valentine's Day

• A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
• Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
• Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
• Workout equipment, any power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
• Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
• An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"

Valentine Quotes

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards." — Benjamin Franklin
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner." — Red Skelton

Today’s Thought

If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'