Friday's Funnies

Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.  The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"  The driver had put, "Full gallop."

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21-year-old roommate.  "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."  "Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."

Golf Questions

Jill:   I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary:   TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill:   Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary:   I thought I asked legitimate questions ... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

Medical Condition

I'm allergic to food — I break out in fat.

Rags To Riches

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune. The old guy looked at him, hooked his thumbs in the pockets of his expensive worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent a few minutes polishing the apple and sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent a few minutes polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month and by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $6.40. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

How's That Again?

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

You’re next

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs, cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Short Groaners

Q: What do you get when you "hit" a boulder with a stick?

A: Rock Music

Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink?

A: Baking soda.

As an x-ray tech walked down the aisle to exchange marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, "I wonder what she saw in him?"

Don't trust atoms...they make up everything.

Signs Your Church Has Sold Out To Corporate Sponsors

~ Personal pew licenses now sold

~ Luxury pews with wet bar and satellite TV

~ Bulletin has coupon section

~ Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them

~ Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC

~ Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC

~ Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network

~ Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes

~ Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front

~ Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo

~ Church flag football team sponsored by the NFL

Night Out Dancing

A husband, who is not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife's months of nagging to take her out dancing. During the evening one guy on the dance floor is giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.  Seeing this performance, the wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."  Her husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Today’s Thought

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.