Friday's Funnies

Fasting

One day, my husband announced to the family that he was going to fast and pray. Ginny, our five-year-old, had recently learned that fasting meant not eating. "No!" she shouted. "You can't fast! You'll die!" Her dad carefully explained that many men and women fasted in Bible times. Ginny paused a moment. Then, with a flash of insight and a note of warning, she proved her point: "And they're all dead!" she said.

Q&A

·         Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."  "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

·         What do you give a man who has everything? Antibiotics.

·         On which side do chickens have the most feathers?  The outside.

·         What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?  Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

·         Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?  They have two left feet.

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"  She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."  "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"  "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.  "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"  "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."  He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"  "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."  "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"  "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."  "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"  "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."  Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"  "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Interview

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"  The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."   The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.  The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.  The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"   The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....  "How much do you want it to be?"   He got the job.

Gardening Rule

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT IF...

..you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.

..you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.

..you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.

..you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.

..you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).

..you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.

..you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.

..your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.

..you go to Target/Walmart more than 3 times a week.

..you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free, even though it’s lousy."

..you wake up 10 minutes before class.

..you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.

..your social life consists of a date with the library.

..your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.

..it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.

..you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.

..your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.

..you celebrate when you find a quarter.

..your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.

..you get more sleep in class than in your room.

..your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.

..you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.

Today’s Thought

Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough.