Friday's Funnies

My Grades

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.  "What's the matter, son?" asked his mother.  "Aw, gee," said the boy. "It's my grades. They're all wet."  "What do you mean 'all wet'?"  "You know," he replied, "below C-level."

You Know You’ve Been Out Of College Too Long When…

~ Your potted plants stay alive.

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

~ You carry an umbrella.

~ You watch the Weather Channel.

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

~ Grocery lists have more on them than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

Experience Teaches

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, but the waiter's thumb is resting on the meat. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "You bring my food with your hand on my steak?" "What?" answers the waiter. "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Prescription Bottle

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than once every four hours," the pharmacist says. "Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me four hours to get the lid off."

Help Wanted Ad

Found in an actual church bulletin:

·         POSITIONS OPEN  in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

·         PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

·         EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

·         BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

·         FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

·         HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

·         RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

Mom's Survival Tips

To my kids who have left home and are on their own, I pass on a list of life lessons:

1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your own good," expect the worst.

4. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.

5. When a politician says, "Let me make something perfectly clear," remember that he usually won't.

6. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

7. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.

8. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

Point of Service

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."  As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

When One Shows Up

A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person, a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"  The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I'd feed it."  So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach ... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.  Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"  The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."

Today’s Thought

Some people have more problems than an arithmetic book.