Friday's Funnies

Reflections on Aging

~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

~ Long ago when old men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

The Painter

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said as he handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."  Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something, he asked, "What's the matter? Did you forget something?"  "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

What Would Look Sillier?

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.  "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.  "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow."  "Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

At the Zoo

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ... " "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. " ... what bus should I take home?"

The Swindle

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper. Where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

Confidence

A confident little boy was practicing baseball. He said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed. He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again. Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again. He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!!"

But The Sign Said....

Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

The Meeting In The Air

A man finally summons the courage to go sky diving for the very first time. The preparation and plane flight go smoothly, but immediately after jumping from the plane, he is unable to get his parachute to deploy. As he hurtles towards the earth, he is shocked to see a man rocketing upwards toward him. As they pass in the air, the skydiver yells, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The second man responds, "No. Do you know anything about gas grills?"

Weight A Spell

Eye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye ran this poem threw it, I'm shore your pleased two no;
Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

You Know You Have a Bad Computer When...

10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch" on it.

9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.

8. You have to pedal it.

7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"

6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.

5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.

4. You catch a virus from it.

3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?"

2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.

1. It cyber-snickers at you.

Today’s Thought

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.