Friday's Funnies

The Gift of Music

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Capturing the Essence

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Murphy's Laws of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
3. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
4. A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
5. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
6. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
7. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
8. If the shoe fits . . . it's expensive.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Silly Bird Riddles

What birds spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?

A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?

In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?

Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?

A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?

He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A great walkie-talkie.

Where Do Babies Come From?

On the way back from a cub scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?"  After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

Demons

When Jesus commanded the demons to come out of the man called Legion, the demons begged Jesus to cast them into the swine heard nearby. Jesus did, and the pigs ran over the cliff.  That is the first mention of deviled ham in the Bible.

Real Estate

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points.  To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.  The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."  "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.  "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

The 10 Commandments of Email

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

"Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Today’s Thoughts

Before you marry a person you should make them use an old computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.