Friday's Funnies

GRAMMAR OOPS

~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears

Things You Never Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

6. I pay your salary!

7. Wow, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

8. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

Coming to visit

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.  I am in apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow push 3.  When you get out, I'm on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What?! You coming empty handed?"

Sermon Responses

First Member:  I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.

Second Member:  It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.

Noise Abatement

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."

Not Right

"Johnny," said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"  "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.  "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.  "No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

Leaf 'em alone:

 My wife and I hate raking leaves. I leaned on the rake, looked gloomily at the task before me and commented. "I'll bet every leaf for miles has blown into our yard.   "They should," she replied.  "They know where they're safe."

The Birthday Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I want a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," the boy said, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Speeding Registration

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.  "I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.  The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."  It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.

Today’s Thought

Don't judge a book by its movie.