The importance of learning a foreign language
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when
all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!"
and the cat runs away. "See?"
says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to
learn a foreign language?"
Getting Fit
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape. So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Definitions
No English dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between the two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
Amazing
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day he loses the wrench. He looks everywhere for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing, "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me." [Insert groan here.]
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape. So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Definitions
No English dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between the two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
Amazing
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day he loses the wrench. He looks everywhere for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing, "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me." [Insert groan here.]
Getting older
•When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends.
They’ll never share them because they can’t remember them.
•At my age, I don’t want to eat health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
•You can’t be young forever, but immaturity can last a life
time.
•Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.
•You know you’re getting old when you look in the mirror to
shave and realize that the face you’re looking at is your father’s.
•Isn’t it nice that wrinkles don’t hurt?
•I knew I was getting bald because it was taking longer and
longer to wash my face.
•I started out with nothing … I still have most of it.
•I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.
•Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
•Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
•It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden
stop at the end.
Two guys were fishing on a river
One catches the biggest catfish either one had ever seen.
He says to his buddy, "We need to remember this spot so we can come back
here again."
His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big
'X' on the bottom of his boat.
The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in
disgust. "You idiot! What if we bring another boat next time?"
New glasses
A woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of
eyeglasses she had purchased the week before. “What seems to be the
problem, ma’am?” the optometrist inquired. “Well, I bought these glasses
for my husband last week and they’re just not working,” the woman
complained. “Perhaps the lab made an error in filling the prescription.”
“I’m sure they must have,” the woman confirmed. “My husband’s still not seeing
things my way.”
Good point
Doctor: "You're in great shape for your age, but I'm
not a magician - I can't make you any younger."
Elderly Patient: "Who asked you to make me younger?
Just make sure I get older!"
Dad's salary
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him
$50.” The second boy says, “That’s
nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song,
they give him $100.” The third boy says,
“I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
A Sign From Above
Spotted on a church marquee: "Love your enemies; After
all, You made them."
Today’s thought
Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and
recorded every day like those of a baseball player.
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