Friday's Funnies

The Perceptive Doctor

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!!

The Wedding

I had the pleasure of attending a wedding last week. It was a beautiful event, and emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.

Real Resume and Cover Letter Excerpts

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
• Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• Its best for employers that I not work with people.
• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
• Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
• Marital status: often. Children: various.
• Finished eighth in my class of ten.
• Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons

~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

~ See if a yawn really is contagious.

~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.

~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.

~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.

~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.

~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.

Office signs

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

A sign on the elevator door:

“This elevator is out of whack.” Later someone had penciled in, “More whack is on order.”

In a non-smoking area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and we will put you out.”

Seen During A Conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Today’s Thought

A word to the wise: Never allow a tobacco-chewing dyslexic near your "tips" jar.