Friday's Funnies

Mind games

Pizza Delivery Kid: "Here's your pizza, sir!"

Grouchy Customer:  "What's the usual tip?"

Pizza Kid: "I'm new at this, but the other guys said if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

Grouchy Guy: "Is that so? In that case, here's five dollars."

Pizza Kid: "Thanks, I'll put it in my college fund."

Grouchy Guy: "College, eh? What are you studying?"

Pizza Kid: "Applied psychology."

Old is when...

“Old” is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“Old” is when your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

“Old” is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Air-heads

Did you hear about the two air-heads who froze to death in a drive-in movie?  They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

New computer

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.  I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.  He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.  “Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”  “Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”

Rubbish ambition

I recently asked a friend, ‘Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?’  ‘Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector’, my friend replied.  I had to think about that one for a moment. ‘That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career,’ I finally managed to reply.  ‘Well,’ said the boy’s father, ‘he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays’.

Proud Mom

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don't want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it's doing.

The Question

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

A few groaners

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

8. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass.”

9. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

Price comparison

A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher how much a pound of tenderloin is.  "$12 per pound," replies the butcher.  "Are you sure? That can't be," says the lady.  "Look, madam, it says right here on the card that it's $12 per pound."  "But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the area."  "Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of beef."  "No, the butcher across the street said it was $9 per pound," she says.  "Well, then, why don't you go buy it there?" asks the butcher.  "Because they are all out."  "Well, when I'm all out, I sell it for $8 per pound," retorts the butcher. 

Today’s Thought

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.