Friday's Funnies

Olympics

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing."

Planning Ahead

The town's fire marshall was conducting a health and safety course at the senior center. He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."

Things Change

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

What?

On a Sunday morning a couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary. In the small church where they had worshiped for many years, the pastor called them forward to be recognized by the congregation and prayed a blessing over them. Afterward the pastor asked them if there is anything they would like to say to one another in everyone's presence. The wife turned to her husband and with a rather weak voice said, "You are tried and true." Her husband replied, "HUH?" "OH YEAH?! Well, I'm tired of you, too!"

Chaos

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a politician were sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The politician leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Brave firefighters

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer group be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.  The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.  Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.  A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That ought to be obvious” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”

Eclipse memo

Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.