Friday's Funnies

Well Said

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers." "Please wrap up one rose," he told the florist. "Only one?" the florist asked. "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Being Helpful

The young backwoodsman came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Pretty Flahrs

A man in the deep South had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

The Sign Says...

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

I’m so tough…

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.  "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."  "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."  "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my gramma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour."

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you should look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him. He replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

Blonde jokes

A friend told the blonde: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."  The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th.

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"  She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.  "No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"

A blonde guy was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says "That's your air freshener swinging around from your mirror!"

A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks. "Here Fido!" she replies.

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What in the world are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know," he replies, "but I couldn't breathe".

An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."