Friday's Funnies

Adoption

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.  On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.  After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “Whatever possessed you to study Russian?”  The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him.”

FIRE

The town's fire marshall was conducting a health and safety course at the senior center.  He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"  Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."

Diagnosis

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.  Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”  A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

The Funny Wisdoms of Life

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order – Brian Pickrell

2. Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it – Author unknown

3. He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard – Unknown

4. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer – Douglas Adams

5. Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems – Anon

6. Knowledge talks, wisdom listens

7. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full – Henry Kissinger

8. He could start a row in an empty house – Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

9. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure – Clarence Darrow

10. He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire – Winston Churchill

11. I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure – W.C. Fields

12. In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back – Charlie Brown

13. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone – Reba McEntire

14. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway – Anon

15. Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success

Rejected invitation

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.  “Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”  “Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience’, so I made it ‘risk’.”

How To Change Your Oil

Women:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

Clean up.

Look for oil filter wrench.

Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug from earlier step.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

Lower car from jack stands.

Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled.

Drive car.

Who shot the deer?

A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.  However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.   The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."   He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"  Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."