Friday's Funnies

What Goes Around...


My five-year-old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it. "Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?" My mom smiled and with a twinkle in her eye said, "Yes, I remember."


Teen Logic


On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should wait until tomorrow!"


Lottery


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'  The husband said, 'What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out!'


Eye Exam               


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:   'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'  'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy!'

Typo

The new young monk comes into the monastery. The senior monk sits him at his desk to copy a copied manuscript. The young monk asks, "Don't we copy from the original instead of a copy?" The elder monk replies, "No, we just copy from these copies." The young monk replies, "Well, I think that is a mistake because then we will be copying mistakes and probably adding mistakes, compounding the inaccuracy of the text!" The older monk replies, "Well, I'll go down in the archives and look at the original and assess this possibility." A while later the younger monk hears the older cry out, "Oh no! There should have been an "r"! It should be "celebrate!"

Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.  He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.  As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.   The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.  On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"  "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Instructions

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

An interview with an 80-year-old woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.  "He's a funeral director," she answered.  "Interesting," the newsman thought.  He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.  She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.  She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Sauce Control

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.  That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

Fireflies

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"  The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.  "Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"  "I did," admitted the youngster.  "You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" "Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."