Friday's Funnies

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

~ You can type sixty words a minute...with your feet.

~ Instant coffee takes too long.

~ You chew on other people's fingernails.

~ You answer the door...before people knock.

~ You sleep with your eyes open.

~ You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

~ You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

~ You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

~ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

~ You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

~ You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

Left handed

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.  His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.  His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"  Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."  This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"  "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

8 Dimwits

1.    Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2.    A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3.    The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

4.    A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

5.    Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

6.    A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, and then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

7.    When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

8.    A Los Angeles man, who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5-mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Men vs Women

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!