Friday's Funnies

Exercise?

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be Immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. Don't tell me to exercise!

Anniversary Flowers

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read, "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

Fact of Life

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

Just A Note

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

Liturgical Tradition

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit." But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you." One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!" Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."

Routine physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks. “Oh, about 165.” he says. The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?” “Oh, about six feet,” he says. The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high. “High!” The man explains, “Of course it’s high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I’m short and fat!”

Running away

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!” The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked. “Then I’ll come home and eat!,” bravely declared the child. “And what if you run out of money?” “I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?” “Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to university.”

Getting the Children Ready

During the cold winter a family was preparing to go out for an evening activity. The wife, who was normally bustling about getting the children ready to leave, was this evening instead standing right inside the front door, her arms full of coats. And instead of being prepared to leave, her four small children were busy running circles around her playing one of their non-stop games of tag. Her husband, coming down the stairs, was shocked at the spectacle. “Honey,” he said, “What are you doing just standing there? We’ll be late!” “Here,” his wife replied, handing him the coats with a smug smile, “I thought that this time you would like to have the privilege of putting the children into their coats, while I go and honk the horn.”

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

People actually grow,eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Backup

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'