Friday's Funnies

It was so hot...

• All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air.
• The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
• The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
• I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
• Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty.
• Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to, "Just pour and eat."
• Some dairy farmers are finding that their dairy cows are producing powdered milk. Don't be surprised if milk cartons in the stores soon display this label: 2% milk, 98% air.
• I have discovered that asphalt has a liquid state.
• I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
• You eat hot peppers to cool your mouth off.
• You can make instant sun tea.
• The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

How Dry Is It?

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

He Knows

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. "What's the matter, Philip?" the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

A Surgeon Funny

Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Jury duty

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

The History of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

braham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or ‘eBay’ as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth! (And not one mention of Al Gore.)