Friday's Funnies

In a Perfect World...

• A person would feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
• You could give away a baby bed without then getting pregnant.
• Forget-me-nots would actually stimulate the memory.
• Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
• Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
• People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
• You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
• The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
• Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
• If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
• First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance.
• Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
• All people could expect to be accepted.
• Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
• Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
• The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
• Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.

Extra Blessing

A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore. Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies. "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked. The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

Unexpected Sayings

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive more than once.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Confucious Say...

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

A Window Funny

The two window panes were arguing as to which one was made of the better glass. One said to the other, "Well, you may think you are a better glass, but I know what you are trying to prove. Believe me, I can see right through you."

Blond Joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick… "

CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Acronyms

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.