Friday's Funnies

Sharing

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

Making Hay

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you this morning," the pastor says. "Well, Rev'rund," the farmer replied, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Diet Plans

I'm on a new diet. No, I haven't changed my eating habits, I just switched from using my old shower body wash to using Dawn dish soap, instead. Its label clearly reads, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

That Explains It

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Snoop

My daughter says I'm nosy. At least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

Church Jokes

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Medical student wisdom

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

Double bumper

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he actually did it again. “I’m so embarrassed,” he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone. “Why not tell him it was me this time?” his wife suggested. “I could,” he said while dialing, “but that’s what I told him last time.”

T-Shirt Slogans

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it’s gone.

Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.