It Depends
A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?" After a few moments, William answered, "It depends." "It depends on what?" she asked. "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."
Things A Mom Would Never Say
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on — it makes the house look more cheery."
"Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me — just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket — the wind-chill is bound to improve."
At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride's grandparents took the honors. The DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" The grandma said: "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."
World's Thinnest Books
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
The Amish Phone Directory
The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."
Planning Ahead
One lazy Saturday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff." She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"
Heaven's Queues*
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wives. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line"? The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
*Not to be understood as doctrinally correct.
The Creation
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered,"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Playing house
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?” He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?” The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your thoughts.” “Communicate my thoughts?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.” The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
You Know When It's Time
"Why did you leave your last job?" "It was something my boss said." "What did he say?" "'You're fired!'"
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