The Chicken Hunt
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you've done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."
You Know You Have A Bad Computer When...
Lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.
You have to pedal it.
The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"
Only chip inside is a Dorito.
When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.
You catch a virus from it.
The Symmetry Of Life
At age 4 success is . . . not wetting your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not wetting your pants.
· Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
· Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
· Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
· Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
· Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
· Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
· Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
· Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
· Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
· Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
· Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
· You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
· Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
And we worry about Democrats versus Republicans? Relax, here is our real problem.
In a Florida State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kind of 21-year-olds that vote. They breed and they walk among us...
GPS
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth {it's red} phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calculating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
Grounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.
After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.
“How come?,” his nephew asked. “My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.
“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn’t know planes had parents.”
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