Friday's Funnies

The Invasion

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?" Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

The Rating

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

Great News

The young wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with pride. Kissing his wife, he said, "Oh, darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." She gushed, "I'm so glad that you feel this way. My mother will be moving in with us tomorrow."

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Marie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

A Friendly Sale

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left. When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Fifteen dollars each." "Who bought them?" "I did!"

Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

Smart Soles

Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?