Friday's Funnies

Gift of Helps

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."

Unanswered Prayer

The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." Pondering that response, she looked at him for a moment and then said, "How come He doesn't answer it?"

All Men and All Girls

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" She said, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men!'"

Another Lawyer Joke

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Old age quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.

Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he’s handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he’s finished, he’ll have a place to live.

Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won’t forget where he parked your car.

Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it’s usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.

Disorders

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

Letter of Recommendation

While working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Smith should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

Regards, Branch Manager

A second note followed the report:

Mr. Smith was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him.

Regards, Branch Manager