Friday's Funnies

Winter Travel

The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:

• Shovel
• Blankets or sleeping bag
• Extra clothing including hat and gloves
• 24 hours worth of food
• De-icer
• Rock salt
• Flashlight with spare batteries
• Road flares or reflective triangles
• Full spare gas can
• First aid kit
• Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning.

Say What?

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!" "Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty..."

iSee

The father of a family - who is a big-time techie - got his oldest daughter an iPhone for her birthday. He also got an iPad for his son. Later an iPod for the youngest daughter. So when his anniversary rolled around, he got his wife an iRon. That's when the fight began.

Game Time (Oldie But Goodie)

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" Somberly, the woman says, "Well... The seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else — a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" Shaking her head, the woman said, "No, they're all at the funeral."

LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Texas Beer Joint Sues church in Mt.Vernon, Texas. Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground! After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

Golf tidbits

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle:

“The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.” –Chi Chi Rodriguez

“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” –Jack Lemmon

“Tee your ball high… air offers less resistance than dirt.” –Jack Nicklaus

“He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.” –Mickey Mantle.

Computer down

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?” The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?” “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.” “In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.” “So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks. “The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.” “Why?” asketh the Lord. “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan.”

Lisez-vous Francais?

An American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs - now in French - and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."

Companies After Me

"I need a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."