Friday's Funnies

The Way It Is

The evening news on TV is where they begin with "Good Evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The DayPlanner

My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "That's what you did yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished."

The Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Tips for Northerners Traveling South

1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
2.) If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 50% of being right.
3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up truck, with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain, will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.) Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.) Do not buy food at the movie store.
7.) If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
8.) Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
9.) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10.) Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
11.) People walk slower here.
12.) Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ” big ol’ “, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.) Be advised: The ” he needed killin’ ” defense is valid here.
16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is taken down.
17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim “Hey y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
19.) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait til after Thanksgiving.
21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store and don’t ask why; it is just something you’re supposed to do.
22.) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
23.) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. In Florida, the farther south you go, the farther north you get.
24.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and “where the ol’ Piggly-Wiggly used to be”, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

Work history

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!