Friday's Funnies

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Smile!

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Redneck IQ Test

Are you a redneck? Want to be one? Take the Redneck IQ test and see how well you fare. Don’t look for answers. If you need them, you’re no redneck.

1) Which of these cars will rust out quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? ’65 Ford Fairlane, ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle, ’64 Pontiac GTO

2) Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum.

3) A woodcutter has a chain saw, which operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. Here’s the question: How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

4) If your uncle builds a still that produces 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

Blame Canada

Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.
Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer

Cleanliness

Today, I was in the bathroom at a popular coffee chain. Someone wrote "What Would Jesus Do?" on the wall. Another person wrote directly underneath that, "Wash His hands." Then a third person had added, "And your feet."

Tree's Company

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the dizzy lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh, officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Moving South, Don't Cha Know

Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noontime. After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, "You were so kind to us, we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter." "What's the bad news?", asked Ole. "Well, your farm is right on the state line," the surveyors said, "and after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota. It's actually in Iowa." "That's the best news I've had in a long time," said Ole. "I was just telling Lena this morning that I don't think I could take another winter in Minnesota!"

Remembering

An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things. Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and told his wife he was going to the kitchen.

She: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He: "Sure."
She: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He: "No, I can remember."
She: "Please put some strawberries on it. You better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget."
He: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She: "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
He: "No, I don't need to write it down! I can remember!"

Fuming, he went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside, Be right back. Cooter