Friday's Funnies

Golf Protocol

Returning home from a round of golf, a man was asked by his cheery wife, "Did you win today, honey?" "Of course not," he muttered. "You know I was playing against the boss."

Memorable

"You think so much about your golf game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife. "Of course I do, honey," the husband protested. "It was the day after I sank that forty-foot putt."

Hook, Line and Sinker

The preacher, who was an ardent fisherman, performed a wedding. He asked the groom, "Do you promise to love, honor and cherish this woman?" "I do," he answered. Then turning to the bride, the preacher said, "Okay, reel him in."

The Parable

"What is your favorite parable?" the Sunday School teacher asked. A boy answered, "I like the one where everybody loafs and fishes."

Supposedly real student answers to test questions:

Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.
Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears and four seals.
Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
Q: What is the meaning of the word "varicose?"
A: Close by.
Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.
Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.
Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.

Hot Air

As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom. After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine. The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."

Education Pays Off

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza. "Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great." "That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars." "Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund." "By the way, what are you studying?" "Applied psychology."

Windows Fans

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Oh, That...

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it; I can never remember that word."

The Expert

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

It's All Covered

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!"

It's What He Said

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed. A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."

Oh....

Teacher (frustrated): "Look at this paper. How could one person make so many mistakes?"
Student (defensive): "It wasn't one person - my dad helped!"

Curiosity

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"

Sounds Like...

There was this lady who was visiting a church for the first time one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation actually fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." The man replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am. I'm glad it's done, too!"

Phone Message

"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone."