Friday's Funnies

Honesty

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, 'cause everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

Texas Labor

A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 20 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. "That's the guy I want to talk to......the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Southern Vacation Guide

If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are ten things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a tow-chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
10. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Daffynitions

Excommunicated: Received a phone call from a former spouse
Protestants: Worker ants out to overthrow the Queen
Fanatic: To cool off the extreme upper portion of the house
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Icing: What I do when I shower
Understudy: Prepare inadequately for the exam
Paradise: What you shoot craps with
Store Detective: Counter spy
Infantry: A newly planted sapling