Friday's Funnies

Trustworthy

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight. "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously, "and you look just like my dad."

That's Daddy

I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair-and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there by Rachel several hours before.

Changing Perspectives (Writer Unknown)

When I was:
• Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
• Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
• Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
• Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
• Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.
• Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
• Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.
• Twenty-one years old: Him? He's hopelessly out of date.
• Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.
• Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
• Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.
• Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.
• Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.

Wedding invitation

A real wedding invitation: Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison, and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.

Shhh.....

While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."

Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The old man said, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

Morning Run

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run." With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."

Metal Detector

In January 1991, I was being deployed to Operation Desert Storm. Before boarding the C-141 transport at Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina, I had to go through tight security. After a meticulous x-ray examination of my carry-on bag, I removed all metal objects from my uniform and was finally able to pass through the detector without setting off the alarm. "Just out of curiosity," I asked the airman operating the checkpoint, "why did you make me go through all that?" "We want to be sure you aren't carrying any weapons on board," he said, handing me back my M-16 rifle.

- from Reader's Digest, "Humor In Uniform," by Stephen Shoemaker

Round n' Round

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? "It's been a year!" I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.