Friday's Funnies

What if musicians ran the country?

Here's a possible presidential cabinet:

Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
Food and Drug Administration: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Management and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Lettermen
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work

Perspective

My ten-year-old son, Justin and I were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for his painful tooth. Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Justin, which one's the troublemaker?" Without hesitation, Justin replied, "My brother."

Exercise Machine

Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer. Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup. The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"

Achievement
I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)

Oops

With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"

Three Signs That You Are No Longer a Kid

1. Naps are good.
2. Your parents' jokes are funny.
3. When things go wrong, you can't just yell "Do-over!"

Computer Viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:
1. Verizon Virus: Every three minutes you'll hear an electronic voice asking, "Can you hear me now?"
2. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you about the great features of the latest iPhone.
3. Sprint Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the Verizon and AT&T viruses.
4. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
5. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism."
6. Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

The Mixup

A Philadelphia law firm sent flowers to an associate firm in Baltimore upon the opening of its new offices. Through some mix-up, the ribbon on the floral arrangement read "Deepest Sympathy." When the florist was informed of his mistake, he let out a cry of alarm. "Good grief," he exclaimed, "then the flowers that went to the funeral said, 'Congratulations on your New Location!'"

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MARRY A MICHIGAN GIRL

The first man married a woman from North Carolina . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Michigan . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Call me an idiot

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.