Friday's Funnies

Wedded Wisdom
Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:
He: "Never be selfish. There is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
She: "Never correct your husband's spelling."

The Bachelor Preacher's Solution
Old aunts used to come up to Paul at weddings, poking him in the ribs and cackling, told him, "You're next." They stopped after he started doing the same thing to them at funerals…

Long Distance
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

He Learned Good
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop. My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked. "Yeah, you was my English teacher." Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."

Young patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?" Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

Little Jon
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Jon stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Jon?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Jon watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Jon. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Jon wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Jon! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Jon quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Jon's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Little Jon asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

* * * * * * * * * * *
The economy is so bad that . . .
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally....

- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.