Friday's Funnies

 Signs Your Wife Drove Your Car Last

-          You were buried beneath an avalanche of empty Starbucks cups when you opened the door.

-          The driver's seat is positioned so a tiny gnome can fit comfortably.

-          There are hairbands everywhere. Like, everywhere.

-          Taylor Swift is still playing on the radio - Obviously, you would never...

-          There's a new 'Baby on Board' sticker.

-          Not exaggerating, there are hairbands EVERYWHERE. The cupholder, the floor, the side door compartment - How can one woman possibly need so many headbands? What does she even do with them all? I mean, is she expecting a hairband shortage? Does she have hairband insecurity? Does she just love hairbands that much? Does she have a problem? Is it a cry for help of some kind?

 

Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you should go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

God and Adam

God and Adam were hanging out in the garden of Eden and God noticed that Adam was a little lonely. God finally came to Adam and said, "Adam, you have everything that you could need right here in the garden and out of the animals that I have created for you to fellowship with, but it has come to my attention that you still seem lonely. I want you to be perfectly happy with my provisions for you. So here is what I will do. I will create a perfect creature for you. You will love this creature and be totally enraptured with her, and desire nothing as much as you will desire her except for me. You will live forever in happiness and joy here in the garden and your relations will always be enjoyable to each other. The only thing, is that it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thinks for a while and finally says, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Fun Test

Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Scroll to the end only after you have counted them.

Baptist Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh My! He's Pentecostal!"

 

Word Problems

How I see math word problems: "If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?" The answer is "purple, because aliens don't wear hats."

 

How Children perceive their grandparents

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

 

2.  My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 68.  My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

4. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

 

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

Dad Joke

90% of bald people still own a comb. They just can’t part with it.

 

Today’s Thought

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

 

Fun Test Answer

How many? 3? Wrong, there are 6! No joke. Read it again. The "F" in "OF" doesn't have the "F" sound. Incredible or what? Go back and look again!

Friday's Funnies

 First Week of School

 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts husband: "Computer really screwed up now."

Warranty

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car. "I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said. "That's right, sir," the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks." "Fine, I need a new garage door."

Rednecks vs. Blondes

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole, said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

Office Intern

Several years ago, there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use the copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

 

Advertising Terms Explained

NEW - Different color from previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

Men’s or Women’s

A five-year-old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"

Memory Issues

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!" She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down.” Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Dog Breeding Made Absurd

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly
~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
~ Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Dad Joke

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Today’s Thought

I don't like to brag, but...cashiers are always checking me out.

Friday's Funnies

 Pregnancy Q&A

 

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'II feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

 

Lost and Found

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Engineers and Managers

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Random Thoughts… 

•         I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?  

 

•         Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

•         I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

•         A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

•         America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 

•         Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

•         You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

•         If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

•         I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

 

•         The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

 

•         The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 

•         Money can't buy happiness, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!

 

•         The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

Middle Name

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

 

Work

 

-        If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. - Lane Kirkland

-          I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bill Gates

-          I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome

-          Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. - J.M. Barrie

-          The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. - Robert Frost

-          Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen

Today’s Thought

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. That's humerus.

Friday's Funnies

 Adulting

How’s adulting going, you ask? I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for about 20 minutes.

 

Cough

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"  The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot!  You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

Choking

 

I choked on a carrot today and all I could think of was, ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this.’

 

Biggest Lie

 

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So, we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

 

Washing Machine

 

Grandma and Grandpa purchased a new front-loading washer and dryer. The grandchildren were impressed with all the "bells and whistles." Grandma was looking for them one day. They had taken their little chairs into the laundry room and were watching the clothes in the washer and dryer. When asked what they were doing they said, "We're watching the laundry channel."

Advice From An Old Farmer

 

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You can't unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

The Repair Shop

 

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

Teacher Arrested At The Airport

 

A schoolteacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule," as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.  At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.  He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.  "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values”. "They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we've determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”  "As the Greek philosopher Isosceles once said, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle... ’ "

 

The veterans

 

Shooting the breeze down at the veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today, he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

 

Dad Joke

 

Did you know ants never get sick? It's because they have anty bodies.

 

Today’s Thought

I don’t know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and can tell time on clocks with hands…so there’s that.

Friday's Funnies

 Mexican Restaurant

 

A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem - it wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written. "That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"

 

Fixed Income

 

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over. Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.

 

Funny Q & A

 

Q: What's the best way to drive a baby buggy?
A: Tickle its feet.

Q: What's the fastest growing animal?
A: A kangaroo. It grows in leaps and bounds.

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?
A: Is that you, coffin?

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a destroyer and a cheat?
A: One rules the waves: the other waives the rules.

Q. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A. He's fully recovered!

The Potty

 

A three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His Mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading, but about every ten seconds or so, he puts the book down grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand. His Mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here quite a while." Billy says, I'm fine mommy, I just haven't been able to go "poopie" yet. Mother says, "OK, but why are you hitting yourself on the head." Billy says, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP"

 

Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

 

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And the number one sign you are in for a long sermon...

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only September!

Misinterpretation

 

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain. After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?" "No," said the mother. "Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher. "So how DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter. Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"

Expecting 

 

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off. "When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "Me," said the soldier simply.

 

Dad Joke

 

My geography teacher asked me if I could name a country with no 'R' in it. I said, "No Way."

Today’s Thought

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed, and we're having a meeting.

Friday's Funnies

 Church Hopping

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  After a while the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"  "Well, that's my house there."  "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

Top 10 Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.
2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.
1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

Parenting

Maybe parenting wasn't easier a generation ago, but at least kids weren't using their voice-activated robots to fact-check their parents.

Useful Metric Conversions

1 million phones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

Acting

A cinema actor, suing for a breach of contract, described himself as the greatest actor in the world. One of his friends took him to task for so loudly singing his own praises. "I know," replied the actor, "it must have sounded somewhat conceited, but, remember, I was under oath."

 

Texans Speak

 Phrases and their definitions are straight from a real live cowboy...

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly intelligent)

All hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)

He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(Talks a lot)

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
(Prone to boasting)

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is)\

Today’s Thought

I just paid it BACKwards by telling the guy at the window that the car behind me was paying for my stuff.

Friday's Funnies

 Lesson Learned

 

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything... I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

 

Blood Drive

 

A priest, a minister and a rabbit decide to take part in a blood drive. They go to the local center. When they arrive, a nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, “What type are you?” To which the rabbit responds, “Actually, I think I’m a Type-O… ”

 

Computers

 

What is a computer's first sign of old age?

Loss of memory.

 

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

 

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar.

 

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

 

To err is human; but to really screw things up requires a computer.

 

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat.

 

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness.

 

I Don't Get It

 

I've got 3 TVs, cable, and a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

Driver’s License

The family's teenage son had just received his brand-new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet your back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

 

Leftovers

 

One summer day after playing outside with his sister, my 5-year-old son came into the kitchen asked, "What are you doin', Mom?" "I'm just cookin'." I told him. "Oh." he replied, "What are we havin'?" I told him, "Leftovers." He scrunched up his face and looked up at me and asked, "That's cookin'?"

Top 7 Signs Your Pastor Needs A Vacation

 

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "All right, listen up you heathens..."

 

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

 

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a tank top.

 

4. Every time his smartphone notifications ding, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

 

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

 

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

 

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

Signs That You Are a New Father

- Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

- You are used to doing everything one-handed.

- The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

- The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

- Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

- You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

- You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

 

Idea

Here's a tip: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed at night. This will clear the dogs off the bed long enough for you to get in and be comfortable.

 

Dad Joke

 

Why do horses have a low divorce rate?  I don’t know…  They have stable relationships.

 

Today's Thought

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.