Pregnancy Q&A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's
sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'II feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an
air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to
you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Lost and Found
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Engineers
and Managers
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Random Thoughts…
•
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married
last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even
number?
•
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a
small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
•
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and
blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
•
A recent study has found that women who carry a
little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
•
America is a country that produces citizens who
will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
•
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that
within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
•
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
•
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive,
try missing a couple of payments.
•
I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
•
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again
today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
•
The location of your mailbox shows you how far
away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a
mental patient.
•
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure keeps the
kids in touch!
•
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet
was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober,
Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were
all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Middle Name
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in
trouble.
Work
- If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely
the rich would have kept it all to themselves. - Lane Kirkland
-
I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard
job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bill Gates
-
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and
look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome
-
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. - J.M. Barrie
-
The world is full of willing people, some
willing to work, the rest willing to let them. - Robert Frost
-
Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never
know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
Today’s Thought
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. That's humerus.
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