Friday's Funnies

 Signs Your Wife Drove Your Car Last

-          You were buried beneath an avalanche of empty Starbucks cups when you opened the door.

-          The driver's seat is positioned so a tiny gnome can fit comfortably.

-          There are hairbands everywhere. Like, everywhere.

-          Taylor Swift is still playing on the radio - Obviously, you would never...

-          There's a new 'Baby on Board' sticker.

-          Not exaggerating, there are hairbands EVERYWHERE. The cupholder, the floor, the side door compartment - How can one woman possibly need so many headbands? What does she even do with them all? I mean, is she expecting a hairband shortage? Does she have hairband insecurity? Does she just love hairbands that much? Does she have a problem? Is it a cry for help of some kind?

 

Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you should go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

God and Adam

God and Adam were hanging out in the garden of Eden and God noticed that Adam was a little lonely. God finally came to Adam and said, "Adam, you have everything that you could need right here in the garden and out of the animals that I have created for you to fellowship with, but it has come to my attention that you still seem lonely. I want you to be perfectly happy with my provisions for you. So here is what I will do. I will create a perfect creature for you. You will love this creature and be totally enraptured with her, and desire nothing as much as you will desire her except for me. You will live forever in happiness and joy here in the garden and your relations will always be enjoyable to each other. The only thing, is that it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thinks for a while and finally says, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Fun Test

Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Scroll to the end only after you have counted them.

Baptist Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh My! He's Pentecostal!"

 

Word Problems

How I see math word problems: "If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?" The answer is "purple, because aliens don't wear hats."

 

How Children perceive their grandparents

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

 

2.  My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 68.  My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

4. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

 

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

Dad Joke

90% of bald people still own a comb. They just can’t part with it.

 

Today’s Thought

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

 

Fun Test Answer

How many? 3? Wrong, there are 6! No joke. Read it again. The "F" in "OF" doesn't have the "F" sound. Incredible or what? Go back and look again!