Friday's Funnies

 Mexican Restaurant

 

A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem - it wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written. "That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"

 

Fixed Income

 

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over. Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.

 

Funny Q & A

 

Q: What's the best way to drive a baby buggy?
A: Tickle its feet.

Q: What's the fastest growing animal?
A: A kangaroo. It grows in leaps and bounds.

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?
A: Is that you, coffin?

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a destroyer and a cheat?
A: One rules the waves: the other waives the rules.

Q. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A. He's fully recovered!

The Potty

 

A three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His Mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading, but about every ten seconds or so, he puts the book down grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand. His Mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here quite a while." Billy says, I'm fine mommy, I just haven't been able to go "poopie" yet. Mother says, "OK, but why are you hitting yourself on the head." Billy says, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP"

 

Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

 

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And the number one sign you are in for a long sermon...

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only September!

Misinterpretation

 

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain. After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?" "No," said the mother. "Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher. "So how DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter. Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"

Expecting 

 

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off. "When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "Me," said the soldier simply.

 

Dad Joke

 

My geography teacher asked me if I could name a country with no 'R' in it. I said, "No Way."

Today’s Thought

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed, and we're having a meeting.