Friday's Funnies

Uh...

A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word "dog" in them: dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface "dog." Steven raised his hand and said, "How about a 'collie' flower!"

Shopping Advice

Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. "No way," four-year-old Ryan replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

Bachelor Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Shorts

• Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.
• I'm not fat, I'm just easier to see.
• Never judge people by their relatives.
• Money used to talk. Then it whispered. Now it just sneaks off.

Faith

An old pastor stood in his pulpit addressing the congregation about the drought that had lasted for at least eight months. As all stood filled with faith, he told the congregation they would gather that night for prayer. "Folks we are going to pray for rain so come prepared to see God move in a great way." That night as many assembled the old pastor stood and asked a simple question. "Folks, where are your umbrellas?"

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.  "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Diplomacy

A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?" "They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

One Liners

• If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
• I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

Life's Little Lessons

"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

Actual Notes Reportedly Found On Hospital Patient Charts

• She is numb from her toes down.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

You Look Terrible

A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."  "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."  "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."  "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now." "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"  "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?"  "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the friend, "You couldn't lose an eye just from that!" "It was my first day with the hook."

Today’s Thought

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.

Friday's Funnies

Parking Place

John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer."  Just then a parking place miraculously appeared!  John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"

On Trial

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.  The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."  To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

Morning Health Check

Nurse: Good morning Mr. Frobisher, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Frobisher: That's because I've been practicing all night.

Proverbs

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• A day without sunshine is like ... night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• The latest surveys concluded that 3 out of 4 people make up 75 percent of the world's population.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• Scientists have discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Wedding Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"  "I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

Things The Professor Says And What He Really Means

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.

(I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.

(I don't understand the details either.)

The test scores were generally good.

(Some of you managed a C)

Some of you could have done better.

(Everyone failed.)

It's been very rewarding to teach this class.

(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

Medical Treatment

An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!"  Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I've lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that’s gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back," and handed him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Today’s Thought

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Friday's Funnies

Happy Easter...

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Easter Thoughts

~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ When I was a kid I hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Today’s money-saving Easter tip: Make the kid's plastic Easter basket grass yourself — just run a trash bag through the pasta maker.

~ The Easter Bunny must be a teenager. Who else would think it's cool to leave eggs in shoes?

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ Sunday is Easter, a time to celebrate new life with maybe a new outfit, an Easter egg hunt, or just a prayer of thanksgiving and a warm feeling. And I know somehow, somewhere, before the day is over, I'm gonna consume an entire chocolate bunny.

Easter Bunny

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.  The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.  "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."   The woman says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!  Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.  The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"   The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label: "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

You're Not a Kid Anymore When... (according to Jeff Foxworthy)

• You consider coffee one of the more important things in life.
• You actually enjoy watching the news.
• The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
• The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
• People ask what color your hair USED to be.
• You start singing along with the elevator music.
• You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
• Your car has four doors.
• You routinely check the oil in your car.
• You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• 7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."
• You write "thank you" notes without being told.

Definitely Not Another Blonde Story  (Well, Maybe)

A young woman received a phone call in the office where she worked and burst into tears. Her boss asked what was wrong. She said, "I just got a call that my mom died." The boss compassionately told her to take a couple days off. As she was clearing her desk the phone rang again. She answered it and promptly broke down crying. The boss asked her, "What's wrong now?" She said, "My sister just called and told me that her mom died too!"

Random Observations

• My insurance is like a hospital gown... You are not as well covered as you think you are.
• I went into a pet shop the other day and the owner tried to sell me a spider, but I checked on the internet and it would have been cheaper to buy it on the web.
• People think I'm obsessed by awards. That's ridiculous, as I was telling my children Oscar, Emmy and Tony the other day.

Today’s Thought

My goal for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds.  Only 15 pounds to go.

Friday's Funnies

How Respectful

Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend said. "Well," Clyde replied, "I was married to her for the last 30 years. It was the least that I could do."

Say What?

• I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
• Went to the Air and Space Museum, but there was nothing there.
• Hold the door open for a clown. It's a nice jester.
• I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.
• The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
• I child-proofed my house, but the kids still get in.
• Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.
• If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
• The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.  (Or God's grace.)

Sermons & Grass

"Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon," a preacher told his summertime congregation. The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church who had heard the blade of grass illustration came along. The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, "Way to go, Pastor, cut 'em short."

The Teen

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son." "He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "Didn't you say he was 13?"

Honeymoon's Over

The day after a young couple had returned from their honeymoon, the bride called her mother in a panic. "What's the matter, dear? Was the honeymoon dreadful?" "No, but oh, Mama! As soon as we got home, he started using the most horrible language! Horrible four-letter words!" "Darling, shhhh," said her mother. "Calm down and tell me what he said that was so awful." "Oh, Mama, it's so embarrassing," cried the still sobbing bride. "He said words like 'cook,' 'iron,' 'wash' and 'dust!'"

Age-Adjusted Classic Pop Hits

• Herman's Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
• The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
• Bobby Darin — Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
• Roberta Flack — The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash — I Can't See Clearly Now
• Marvin Gaye — Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
• Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping
• Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
• Helen Reddy — I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Field Trip?

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly. One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

Bumper Stickers

• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• This is not an abandoned vehicle.
• It's as bad as you think and, yes, they are out to get you.
• I is a college student.
• The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
• I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
• No radio. Already stolen.
• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
• Car will explode upon impact
• CAUTION : Driver Singing

Right On Time

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way with just a warning.

Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake — but not two in a row!"

Today’s Though

Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.

Friday's Funnies

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Oops

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Anniversary Wisdom

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no I in the word marriage." The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Oldies

1. Herman's Hermits-- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees-- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr-- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack-- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem -- A White Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer-- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations-- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba-- Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando-- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy-- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson-- On the Throne Again

17. Leslie Gore-- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

Just Like Dad

Ten-year-old Bobby was having a conversation with his grandmother while eating breakfast:
Bobby:  Nanna, I'm a fat old man.
Grandma:  Bobby! What did you say?
Bobby:  I'm a fat old man.
Grandma:  Now, Bobby, why would you say something like that?
Bobby:  Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy.

You Know You're From The Far North When...

You know the four seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car

Driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow

You feel warm and toasty at minus 26

You find minus 40 a mite chilly

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

Your dog wears boots too

If you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset

There is a sign outside of McDonalds: "Park dog teams in back"

If the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school

You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

Today’s Thoughts

-          If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

-          Anybody who's busy pulling on the oars doesn't have time to rock the boat.

-          Ban sliced cheese. Make America grate again.

-          It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

-          If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must really love their churches. 

Friday's Funnies

St. Patrick’s Day

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?

A: St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?

A: Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?

A: The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?

A: Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."

"Oh, really?"

"No, O'Reilly!"

Seenagers

I just discovered my age group! I am a "Seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.

·         I don't have to go to school or work

·         I get an allowance every month.

·         I have my own pad.

·         I don't have a curfew.

·         I have a driver's license and my own car.

·         And I don't have acne.

More Notes Found On Hospital Charts

-          She is numb from her toes down.

-          While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. {This probably was not far from the truth!! Those gowns are probably put under the classification of 'x-rated!!!!}

-          Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

-          Patient was alert and unresponsive.

-          She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

-          I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

-          Skin: somewhat pale but present.

-          Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

-          Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Friends

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time. Actually, they were real people. I just imagined they were my friends.

Brakes

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls...

John: "What happened this time?"

Jill: "My brakes went out.  Can you come get me?"

John: "Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me."

Please Be Quiet

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.

With a kiss

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"  "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.  "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."  With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.  The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Today’s Thought

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV to one of nine channels.

Friday's Funnies

Aging

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"  Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."  "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"  "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Texas

A Texan was visiting an old friend in Oklahoma, and as they drove around the Okie’s farm, the Okie said “Over there’s my cows” and the Texan responded with dramatic surprise “Those are cows?!? Friend, down in Texas, our cows are twice that size with horn-spans as wide as a truck!”. Moving on down the road, they got out of the truck near a garden plot, and the Okie said, “This here’s my melon patch.” to which the Texan responded “Melons?!? Why those are the size of Texas tomatoes and our melons are 4 times the size of your Okie melons.” Getting a little annoyed, the Okie looked down and saw a snapping turtle crossing the path and said to the Texan, “Watch out for that tick behind you!”

It's a What?

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter Kaitlyn staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. Kaitlyn looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to Jenny. "Worse," Jenny replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

Astronomy Quiz

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.  One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."  Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom??"

In Other Words...

Two trucks, loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus, collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to news accounts. Witnesses were stunned, astonished, startled, aghast, astounded, taken aback, stupefied...

In So Many Words

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out.

When my friends told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle-free and 3 sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Computer History

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, surprise. It was an Apple. But with extremely limited memory — just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.

Signs You Are Broke

~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

~ Your idea of a 4-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

~ Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

~ You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

~ McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

The Choir

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.  The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage.  Then the pastor introduced them.  "This is our prison choir," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

Today’s Thought

I love being over 70.  I learn something new every day and forget five others.