Friday's Funnies

Uh...

A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word "dog" in them: dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface "dog." Steven raised his hand and said, "How about a 'collie' flower!"

Shopping Advice

Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. "No way," four-year-old Ryan replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

Bachelor Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Shorts

• Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.
• I'm not fat, I'm just easier to see.
• Never judge people by their relatives.
• Money used to talk. Then it whispered. Now it just sneaks off.

Faith

An old pastor stood in his pulpit addressing the congregation about the drought that had lasted for at least eight months. As all stood filled with faith, he told the congregation they would gather that night for prayer. "Folks we are going to pray for rain so come prepared to see God move in a great way." That night as many assembled the old pastor stood and asked a simple question. "Folks, where are your umbrellas?"

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.  "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Diplomacy

A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?" "They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

One Liners

• If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
• I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

Life's Little Lessons

"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"

Actual Notes Reportedly Found On Hospital Patient Charts

• She is numb from her toes down.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

You Look Terrible

A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."  "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."  "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."  "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now." "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"  "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?"  "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the friend, "You couldn't lose an eye just from that!" "It was my first day with the hook."

Today’s Thought

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.