Friday's Funnies

Hearing Loss

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.  About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"  The man says, "Yes."  "How close did you get before she answered?"  "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, 'For the FIFTH TIME...WHAT???'"

Really?

Some people apparently believe that ...

•             You can't use an AM radio after noon.

•             A quarterback is a refund.

•             General Motors is in the army.

•             Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

Senior Ramblings

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Left Behind

A tour bus driver accidentally left a passenger behind after they had stopped for lunch. Wanting to apologize, the driver called the passenger on the phone. "I don't blame you," the woman told him, "but I'm mad at my husband for not informing you that I wasn't on the bus."

Things to do in an Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Appropriate Business Name

A man took his suit in to be altered. The shop sign said, "One Day Tailors." He went back the next day and was told it would be ready in 14 days. "But, it says one day tailors!" demanded the customer. "Yes, it is," came the reply. "You drop your suit off and it will be ready one day!"

Today’s Thought

We should all swap problems; everyone seems to know how to solve the other guy's.

Friday's Funnies

Father’s Day

Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Science student: When my father sees my report card!

Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!

Manny: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday?
Theo: I love it!
Manny: Why?
Theo: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks!

Most Obedient

The story is told of a father of five children who came home with a toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present. “Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?” he inquired. There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: “You play with it Daddy!”

Things That Hallmark Cards Don’t Say

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What WAS I thinking?"

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Good Question

The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." She thought about that for a moment and asked, "How come He doesn't do it?"

Lost in Translation

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words. When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

Which One?

Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle one by one. Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"

Doggone

They say a dog retrieves a ball thrown from over a mile away. But that seems pretty far-fetched.

Dog Tired

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. Then he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned this note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

A Child's Wisdom

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Larry thought about that for a second and then asked, "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

Today’s Thought

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Friday's Funnies

Worries

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

Children's Attempts at Singing Well Known Hymns

• Give us this day our deli bread!
• We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
• Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
• He carrots for you.
• Bringing in the sheets.
• Yield not to Penn Station.
• Dust around the throne.
• Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, here we go!
• While shepherds washed their socks by night
• He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

Remembering

I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant. "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked. "Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied. "Don't you mean hysterical?" "No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."

The Stethoscope

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?" He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?"

The Trick

Little Billy:  "Wow, Grandma, I'm really glad to see you! Now Daddy can do his trick."
Grandma:  "Oh? What trick is that?"
Little Billy:  "Daddy said if you came to visit again, he'd start climbing the walls!"

Parting Thought

The Lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

True Quotes About Science from Kids

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Rx

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.  “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”  “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.   There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”

Today’s Thought

To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more than human, it's downright natural.

Friday's Funnies

At The Drive-Thru

I drove through at the bank the other day. When I got to the window the lady said, "Sorry ‘bout your wait." I said, "Me, too, but I just can't find a diet that works for me."

Safety at Work

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.  "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"  The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

Urgent Newspaper Corrections

·        IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

·        From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

·        In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

·        There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

·        In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

·        Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

·        Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.

·        Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

·        In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

·        The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Eye Test

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to an ophthalmologist in Prague.  The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.  "Can you read that?" the doctor asked.  "Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated his sister!"

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

Toy Disclaimers

-        Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

-        Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

-        Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

-        No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

-        Some dismemberment may occur.

-        In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.

-        Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

-        Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

-        Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

-        Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Airhead

So there's this Airhead who thinks ...

... you can't use an AM radio at night.

... a quarterback is a refund.

... General Motors is in the army.

... Boyz II Men is a day care center.

... Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

... Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

Weight for Help

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.  "Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."  "I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.  "Please, Dad?" the boy continued.  "They're not cheap either," the father came back.  "I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."  Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.  From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

Today’s Thought

I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.

Friday's Funnies

Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive

-        You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

-        It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

-        When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

-        It scares you to drive the speed limit.

-        The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

-        You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

-        You use cruise control at 25 mph.

-        You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

-        Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

-        Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

Fractions

Our school's math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, "Are there any questions?"  When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"

 Ponderisms

1.  Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try  spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE
     
2.   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
   
3.   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

4.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
       
5.   Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
   
6.  Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
   
7.   Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?  

8.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole  lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're  cramming for their final  exam.

9.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?   Toothpicks?

10.    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
   
11.   Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

12.   Whatever happened to Preparations A through  G?

Bar joke

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Marine joke?"  The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''  The sailor says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

African Safari

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!"   Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"  The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!  The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"  A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"  The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."   Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"  From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Today’s Though

If a grizzly bear had no teeth, would you call it a gummy bear?

Friday's Funnies

Time

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old?" Well, I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way, way too old to have been my classmate...or could he?  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.   "Yes. Yes. I did...I'm a Morgan Mustang," he gleamed with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"  "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely...and that ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "What did you teach?"

Grades

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he confided in his teacher: "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Last Word

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.  It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved."  Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.  The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."  By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping."  Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story."  There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."  Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.  The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

Cross-country Trip

Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.  After a while the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window.  The man from Iowa asks, "What in the world are you doing?"  The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho -- I'm sick of looking at them!"  A few more miles, and the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing?"  The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa -- I'm sick of looking at them!"  Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

Q&A

Q: What do you call a snobbish inmate going down the prison stairs?

A: A condescending con descending.

Three Wishes 

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went in to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."   The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."  The woman said, "That's okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world.  For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."  The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.  The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

ADDITIONAL:

But wait! There's more...

The man actually had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife. Duh.

Games Old People Play

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go wee.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Musical recliners.

6. Simon says something incoherent.

7. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

The Porch Painter

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"  Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"  The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"  "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.  The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."  A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.  "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."  Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.  "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes."

Today’s Thought

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

Friday's Funnies

The Next Survivor Series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food.  Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.  The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.  The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.  The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.  If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."

Top Ten Complaints From Biblical Mothers or Wives

10.  Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

 

9.  Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

 

8.  Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

 

7.  Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

 

6.  David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

 

5.  Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

 

4.  Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

 

3.  Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

 

2.  Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

 

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

 

1.  Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you? How do you feel now Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public?!" (Mat 27:19)

You’re A Mom If....

·        You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·        You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·        You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·        You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·        There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·        The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·        You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·        Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

What Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Today’s Thought

A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.