Friday's Funnies

Valentine’s Day

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A hog and kisses!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

What did one light bulb say to the other?

"I love you a whole watt!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?

He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?

It was a case of guppy love.

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?

"Be my valenstein!"

Extra Nutrition

Child at dinner table: "Are caterpillars good to eat?"
Parent: "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"
Child: "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

Appearances

Nurse:   Doctor, doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?
Doctor:   Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Led Astray

My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative. "Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to just head on home?" the driver asked. When the sister nodded, she made a right turn. We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession was still following us!

Retirement Q&A

·        Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

·        Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

·        Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

·        Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

·        Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.

·        Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

·        Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

·        Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Dog’s Thoughts

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow.  They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

Late

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.  The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"  "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.  Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Today’s Though

I keep hitting the ESC key, but I'm still here.

Friday's Funnies

Gone Missing

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat." Joe did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Sam, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Sam said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats." "I'm only watching mine," replied Joe. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

Shorts

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."  

A guy told his friends: "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." Turns out, his boss got sick and tired of him.  

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop."

Ingenui-Tea

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea. "You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter." "You what!?" And the little girl said, "Oh, but don't worry, Mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

The Practical Solution

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Seeking...

Have you noticed? All those instruments that are seeking intelligent life in the universe — telescopes, radio antennas, cameras, detectors — they're all pointed away from Earth.

Just Helping

It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

Clueless Dad

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

Too Loud

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. "He'll be deaf before he's 25," I said. "That won't help us," my wife replied. "He'll only turn it up."

Old Soldiers Never

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.
Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
Teachers don't retire, they just mark time.
Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.
Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.
Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.
Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
Old crossword puzzlers never die, they just go across and -- hopefully -- up.
Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.
Old plumbers never die, they just get out of sink and go down the drain.
Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.
Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.

Today’s Thought

Can a person be chalant?

Friday's Funnies

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Sick Policy

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.  One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"  There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.  "Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

Prison Humor

A new prisoner is placed in his cell. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cellblock becomes dark and nearly silent.  Eventually a voice from the darkness cries out: "Twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into raucous laughter. A while later another voice calls out "Forty-one!" and again the entire cellblock hoots and roars.  The new prisoner asks the guy in the next cell: "What's going on?"  The guy says: "We've been here so long, we all know each other's jokes.  So we assigned numbers to them, and when we want to tell a joke we just use the number."  The new prisoner calls out "Ninety-eight" and sets off uproarious laughter, much more than the other numbers. So he asks the guy in the next cell why that was.  Through barely-controlled mirth, he replies, "Nobody had heard that one before." 

Ever Wonder

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid

   made with real lemons?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Visual Demonstration

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

If Microsoft operated restaurants

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A soup bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Everything I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle

1. Don't force a fit - if something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.

2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4).

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Refer to the Creator's guidebook often.

7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.

10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.

13. When you finally reach the last piece, don't be sad. Rejoice in the masterpiece you've made and enjoy a well-deserved rest.

Today’s Thought

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Friday's Funnies

Thoughts To Ponder

·       Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

·       If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

·       Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

·       If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

·       If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

·       If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

·       Is it possible to have Deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

First Day Of School

It was the first day of school, and the first-grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.  "Dewey, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?"  Dewey said, "That's when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch."

Coffee Choices

In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"  "Yes please!" we said.  He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"

Ulcer

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."  Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Grandparents' Answering Machine

"Good morning. At present we are not available, but please select from the following menu items:

·       If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

·       If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

·       If you want to borrow the car, press 3

·       If you want us to wash your clothes or iron, press 4

·       If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

·       If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

·       If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

·       If you want to come to eat here, press 8

·       If you need money, press 9

·       If you are going to invite us to dinner or want to take us to the concert, start talking — we are listening." (Beeeeeeeep...)

Umbrella

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"  The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother? 

Interview

Interviewer: "You have no experience in this field - and yet you're asking for a rather high salary."

Applicant: "Yes, work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

Musical Puns

Q: How did the tuba player kill himself?
A: He walked off a clef.

Q: How do musicians pay their debts?
A: With quarter notes.

Q: Why did the opera house fire their male singer?
A: He was always singing tenor eleven notes off.

Q: Why aren't fish allowed to play in an orchestra?
A: Because you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

Q: Why did the conductor tell the trumpeter to stop talking?
A: He was always trying to blow his own horn.

Q: What do you call a conductor who is always giving his orchestra grief?
A: A treble maker.

Q: Why was the clarinetist always cutting himself?
A: His music was always too sharp.

Today’s Thought

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Friday's Funnies

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

2014: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2015: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2016: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2017: I will work out 3 days a week.

2018: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Just Wait...

I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."

Parking Problem at Church

A few years ago, I caught a story on the radio about a Baptist church that had a problem. It was with the Methodists down the street. Some Baptists were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Methodist church, which met earlier than the Baptists, got there first. So the Baptist church had a problem.  Now, they COULD have towed the Methodist's cars away. Or, they COULD have patrolled their lot Sunday mornings. Or, they COULD have written a letter to the offending church members imploring them to park elsewhere. But they didn't.  Instead, they did something else. One Sunday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Methodist alike. They all got one. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE A BAPTIST!"  No more problem.

Walking On Water

Dallas heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Dallas and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Dallas and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dallas stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home. When Dallas arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?" His sweet old grandmother took Dallas by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were all born in January. You were born in July, dear."

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2018...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                   

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                        

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels                               

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall      

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                          

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                           

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                          

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Tour of London

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.  The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"  The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.  "Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"  As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.  "Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.  "I have no idea, wasn't there yesterday..."

The Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

Spirited Bidding

A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding. "I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer. "Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Today’s Thought

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Friday's Funnies

Christmas Thoughts

·        Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.  

·        A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?" A young student replied, "Because his mother was there."  

·        Three phrases that have come to sum up Christmas (for better or worse) are: "Peace on Earth," "Goodwill to Men" and "Batteries Not Included."  

·        "Where did I say that you should buy so much stuff to celebrate My birthday!?"

Shepherds

The Sunday School teacher looked at the little boy's drawing of a manger scene. A large dog was among the animals.  The teacher looked puzzled.  "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  Clerk: What denomination do you want?  Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.  After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"  He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."  Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.  "I'm in the pub next to that."

Noel

My son, a kindergartener learning to read, was enjoying the Christmas lights as we drove around checking out the beautiful decorations. Noticing one display in a yard, he promptly spelled out the letters, "N-O-E-L" and asked what word it was. "Noel," I matter-of-factly replied. Back came an exasperated reply, "But, Mom, if there's no 'L,' then what does it spell?"

Santa

Eventually a child begins having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day this happened:

Child: "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Mother, with dread: "What is that?"

Child: "They're all nocturnal."

Christmas Presents

When my son, Terrence, was four years old, he piqued everyone's interest when he placed a childishly wrapped package under the tree for each family member. On Christmas morning, Terrence looked on with joy and expectation as we opened his gifts. There were exclamations of "I thought I'd lost that!" and "So that's where that went!" When we asked Terrence why he had wrapped our favorite items, he replied, "Because I knew it was something you would really want!"

The Omission

After turning ninety, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. She wrote "Buy your own present" on each card and mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry to family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. There, under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose with her cards.

The Contestant

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question, worth 500 points! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host said, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and...Olive!" The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?" "You know," the man said, and began to sing: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. 'Olive,' the other reindeer..."

The Christmas Kiss

Shortly before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home. The business trip had been grueling and he was not in a particularly good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was tired of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale. Being in a grumpy mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I weren't married, I wouldn't kiss you." "That's not what it's there for," said the attendant. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

Today’s Thought

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! 

Friday's Funnies

Stranded

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.  "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"  "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Fishing on the Job

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.  Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.  "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."  "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"  "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

It's Gone

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written in it."

How to Clean the House

1.            Open a new file in your computer.

2.            Name it "Housework."

3.            Save and then send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4.            Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5.            Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6.            Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

Feel better?

Loan Repayment

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.  While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"  To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine."  Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.  The woman looked up to heaven and said, "Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own."

Another Airhead Joke

Two airheads in California are sitting outside on a cool, clear evening, looking at the moon and talking.  One asks: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"  The other replies (with eye-roll): "Hellooooooooooo! Can you see Florida from here??"

You’re From A Small Town When:

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

~ You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's,  and it's four houses left of the track field."

~ You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

The Dog

"Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us."

"Why is that?”

"They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't.”

"How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper.”

"Yeah, that's probably got something to do with it, too.”

Today’s Thought

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was "Always."