Gone
Missing
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat." Joe did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Sam, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Sam said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats." "I'm only watching mine," replied Joe. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."
Shorts
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat." Joe did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Sam, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Sam said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats." "I'm only watching mine," replied Joe. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."
Shorts
"An abstract
noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you
can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a
teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
A guy told his friends:
"I left my job because of illness and fatigue." Turns out, his boss
got sick and tired of him.
I hate it when people use
big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Accident
Report
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Ingenui-Tea
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Ingenui-Tea
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea. "You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter." "You what!?" And the little girl said, "Oh, but don't worry, Mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
The Practical Solution
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Seeking...
Have you noticed? All those instruments that are seeking intelligent life in the universe — telescopes, radio antennas, cameras, detectors — they're all pointed away from Earth.
Just Helping
It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
Clueless Dad
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
Too Loud
We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. "He'll be deaf before he's 25," I said. "That won't help us," my wife replied. "He'll only turn it up."
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Seeking...
Have you noticed? All those instruments that are seeking intelligent life in the universe — telescopes, radio antennas, cameras, detectors — they're all pointed away from Earth.
Just Helping
It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
Clueless Dad
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
Too Loud
We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. "He'll be deaf before he's 25," I said. "That won't help us," my wife replied. "He'll only turn it up."
Old Soldiers Never
When
General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated
famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But
five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:
Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.
Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
Teachers don't retire, they just mark time.
Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.
Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.
Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.
Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
Old crossword puzzlers never die, they just go across and -- hopefully -- up.
Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.
Old plumbers never die, they just get out of sink and go down the drain.
Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.
Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.
Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.
Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
Teachers don't retire, they just mark time.
Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.
Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.
Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.
Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
Old crossword puzzlers never die, they just go across and -- hopefully -- up.
Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.
Old plumbers never die, they just get out of sink and go down the drain.
Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.
Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.
Today’s Thought
Can
a person be chalant?
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