Friday's Funnies

Valentine’s Day

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A hog and kisses!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

What did one light bulb say to the other?

"I love you a whole watt!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?

He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?

It was a case of guppy love.

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?

"Be my valenstein!"

Extra Nutrition

Child at dinner table: "Are caterpillars good to eat?"
Parent: "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"
Child: "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

Appearances

Nurse:   Doctor, doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?
Doctor:   Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Led Astray

My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative. "Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to just head on home?" the driver asked. When the sister nodded, she made a right turn. We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession was still following us!

Retirement Q&A

·        Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

·        Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

·        Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

·        Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

·        Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.

·        Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

·        Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

·        Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Dog’s Thoughts

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow.  They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

Late

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.  The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"  "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.  Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Today’s Though

I keep hitting the ESC key, but I'm still here.