Friday's Funnies

 Tip Of The Day

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

 

Good News

I got a call from a scammer who said, "I've got all of your passwords." I said, "Great. What are they? I'll grab a pen."

 

Observation

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor. She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?" Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Conclusion

My granddad always said, "When one door closes, another door opens." Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

Aging

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there were cute.

 

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good, and the wine selection was good also.

 

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

Fitness

The fitness trainer asked me, "What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?" I said, "Diddly."

 

Birthday Wish

Grown-up: "What do you want for your birthday this year?"
Kid: "I'd like a little brother."
Grown-up: "Oh my, that's a big wish!  Why do you want a little brother?"
Kid: "Well, there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Baseball Funnies

 

Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.

Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.

Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ballpark?
A. The switch-hitter.

Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.

Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.

Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.

Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.

Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.

Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.

Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.

True Meaning

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor. " P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Dad Joke

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

 

Today’s Thought

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

Friday's Funnies

 The Defendant

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

 
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you don't even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.

What A Deal!

Yesterday I saw an ad that said, "Radio for sale, $1, Volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Census Questions

Census Taker:  "How many children do you have?"
Woman:  "Four."
Census Taker:  "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman:  "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Actual Newspaper Bloopers

·       The sewer expansion project is nearing completion, but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.

·       The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

·       The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

·       The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

 

Phyllis Diller Quotes

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

I never made "Who's Who," but I'm featured in "What's That?"

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The doctor looked my body over. I said, "Is there any hope?" He said, "Yes. Reincarnation."

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

My body is in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

In most states, you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Two Cows

Two cows were looking over a gate. One said to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow looked over and replied, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter."

While Unconscious

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

Dad Joke

Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet.

Today’s Thought

You don't actually wash your hands. They wash each other.

Friday's Funnies

 Olympics

 

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would come in 4th just so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

 

Repayment

 

A diner in a restaurant started to choke on a bone.  Another diner rushed over and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. As the first man's breath and voice returned, he said, "You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?" The other man grinned and said, "I'll settle for one percent of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."

 

Daffynitions

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette: The act of torching a  mortgage
Burglarize: What a crook sees with
Control: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty: How golfers create divots
Paradox: two physicians
Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm
Polarize: what penguins see with
Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife
Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does

 

Excess Weight

 

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient. "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid." "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

 

Inventions

 

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Dental Appointment

 

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.........or could he??? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I had a Mustang." He gleamed with pride. When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1976. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I claimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled man asked, "What did you teach?"

Spelling

 

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Steven Wright Quotes

 

- Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

- I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

Job Application

 

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Dad Joke

 

Just so everybody's clear. I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

Today’s Though

I hate people who can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.