Friday's Funnies

 

Goal

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

 

Emergency Call

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"

So True

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Kids in Church

 

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

Word Plays

~ A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

~ There were three Native American squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

~ Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

Lawyer's Son

 

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"

At A Restaurant

 

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.

 

One-liners

 

Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.

If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.

Dad Joke

 

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park...

It has several slides.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?