Friday's Funnies

 Leftovers

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers: "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns." "You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!" "That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

Deceit Sermon

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Baking

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, "About 10 years."

Getting Old

You know you’re getting old when you have to use a shopping cart at the pharmacy.

What!

Mom: "Eat your breakfast."
Son: "Why?"
Mom: "You want to grow up to be super smart, don't you?"
Son: "No. I want to grow up to be like daddy."

Cousin Elly

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, add coffee and water, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready. A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Why?

1.           Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2.           If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3.           If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4.           Why do we say something is out of : whack? What is a whack?

5.           Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6.           Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7.           Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8.           Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9.           Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10.         Why is it called "after dark" when it really is : "after light"?

11.         Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12.         Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

13.         Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean : opposite things?

Makes Sense Now

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Oneliners

- The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
- An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
- If you solved the NY Times' Saturday crossword puzzle, you probably cheated.
- A word of advice... don't give it.
- If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
- I am logged in... therefore, I am.
- A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
- Justice is blind and in some cases... deaf and dumb.
- To belittle is to be little.
- Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.
- The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
- I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.
- A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
- Once you pass 40, your "big break" will probably be a bone.
- Politics isn't about hunger or taxes or equality... it's about politics.
- Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.
- Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Dad Joke

The person who invented the ferris wheel never met the person who invented the merry go round.

They traveled in different circles. 

Today’s Thought

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending machine.