Friday's Funnies

 Tax Sayings

- For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.

- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.

- Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the exact same way.

- Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.

- Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.

- They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Farmer

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The farmer is suitably impressed and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says, “What's that noise?”

Math Dyslexia

A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out. "Not bad. The doctor told me that I have math dyslexia." The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad." "Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."

Useful Words That Ought To Exist

1) Begathon - Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle - Residue on your fingers after eating Cheetos.
3) Crummox - Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg - Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn - Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

Medical Problem

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

Confused

I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Crazy In The Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
2. Ask people to call you "Captain."
3. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day, and tell people you're waiting for your document.
5. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
7. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
8. Send email messages saying "free pizza, free donuts in the lunchroom." When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
9. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Thank Goodness!

You have 2 minutes to live but every time you breathe it resets the timer.

 

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

- If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

- Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

- Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

- Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

- Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

- Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

- I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Dad Joke

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.

She called me a cheap skate.

Today’s Thought

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up, or is there a number to call?